


Battlefield

by blueeyedmonster



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, I dont even know what I did here, Its like 3 am and I am writing this, Sad, Sad sad sad, Songfic, THIS IS ALL FICTION THO, god I am so sorry, im a horrible person, im sorry, kill me, louis is depressed, so NOT real life, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-12
Updated: 2014-03-12
Packaged: 2018-01-15 12:37:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1305118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueeyedmonster/pseuds/blueeyedmonster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is depressed. Harry knows, but his hands are tied up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Battlefield

**Author's Note:**

> This is horrible and I am sorry you can hate me if you want. The plot of the fanfiction is basically my life rn, so maybe have mercy on me but if I were you I wouldn't. Anyways, enjoy xx
> 
> The oneshot is based on Lea Michele's "Battlefield" of her new album "Louder".

_ It‘s easy to fall in love _

 

Louis remembers the exact date of the day he‘s fallen in love with Harry. It was July 23rd, and also the day when he first laid eyes on him. They‘d met in a bathroom at the X Factor where they both had auditioned. Harry had been standing in front of the mirror, his dark brown curls bouncing around his face, eyes as green as the deep ocean shore when it was at its fullest, Louis had learned. Glares meeting, heartbeats skipping, fireworks, and that was it.

They‘d been young, so young, not knowing what would come, that they wouldn‘t be able to show their love to everyone. Yet, they had been so oblivious, so caught up in their own little world that they didn‘t see the storm raging on and coming from outside. Back, where everything was okay.

 

_ But it‘s so hard to break somebody‘s heart _

 

On a December 4th, Louis and Harry first kissed. It was probably one of the most beautiful moments in his life, everything that mattered had been the bed and their lips moving against each other‘s, exploring, hesitant, so careful but at the same time so stupid. So naive, thinking that nothing could break into their little cloud. It seemed so perfect, back then.

 

_ What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield. _

 

Little did they know then, that their love would shatter like a glass being thrown onto the floor. The first months it was everything Louis had ever wanted, everything that made him happy.

One day, he introduced Harry to one of his friends, Nick. They got along better than expected, and at first it made Louis happy, seeing his friends interact so well. They went out, and it didn‘t bother him, until it suddenly did. 

Louis and Nick barely did anything with each other, it was like they lost their friendship somewhere on the way. It wouldn‘t have mattered to him, if it wasn‘t about his boyfriend being so attached already, and suddenly it was too late. 

 

_ Once lust has turned to dust _

 

Harry started going out with Nick so often there was barely any time for Louis anymore, and it hurt. They fought so many times, Louis didn‘t want to lose Harry to someone that he once got along with too. It felt like being replaced. 

 

_ And all that‘s left‘s held breath _

 

Every single time they fought, Harry ended up claiming that he loved Louis and that Nick was just his friend, just someone he killed time with.

Every single time Louis asked Harry if they would go out or even spend time, it would always be a no, no he was already having plans with Nick. There was no time for his boyfriend in his life anymore. Louis wished so many times that he never introduced them to each other, because now, it felt like he lost both of them.

 

_Forgotten who we first met_

 

Nick claimed he was straight, of course. Louis knew he wasn‘t, there had been too many situations in the past where it‘d been so obvious, it seemed like only the fact that Louis was taken had stopped Nick from doing stuff with him. Back, when they had moments together. Back, when everything was okay.

 

_ What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield. _

 

Now, they were fighting a battle every day. Louis was sure that Harry took the  whole thing a lot easier than it was, he just always saw over the pain he accidentally caused Louis. He never heard the muffled screams at night when he was out with Nick partying and Louis was crying himself to sleep. Never saw the covered scars on his arms or the dark bags under his eyes when he crawled out of bed in the mornings, before he put on make-up so no one would see them. Never felt the tremble of his body when Louis tried to keep himself together, on those nights when Harry dumped him again for Nick, when he held his hand on those nights when he didn‘t. He just didn‘t see.

 

_ We both know it‘s coming _

 

So many nights, Louis spend crying into his pillow, trying to understand why Harry hadn‘t broken up with him yet. There were days when he didn‘t even look at him, didn‘t say so much as good morning and good night, in between he was out with friends, most especially Nick. There were days when he laughed at every single of Nick‘s jokes, even those who he never laughed at when Louis told them. 

There were days they didn‘t even see each other at all.

 

_ Does illusion count as something we hide? _

 

Also, there were days when Harry would stop by and just randomly smile at him with all his heart, a gesture that made Louis nearly cry, every single time. When he would just randomly hold his hand, a thing that normal couples did every day, but the two of them could apparently not. When he would randomly tweet him heart emojis, and Louis would receive them and break into tears, not even knowing why. 

 

_ The surface tension‘s gotta break _

 

There were also days when they didn‘t do so much as even hear from each other, it was just deadline for days. Louis debated texting him so many times, calling him, even stopping by and looking if he was still alive.

But then, there would always be a tweet from Harry to Nick, including some inside joke that Louis didn‘t understand, and somehow he suddenly didn‘t have the strength anymore. 

 

_ One drop is all it takes to flood out this lie. _

 

Some days, Louis wished so hard that Harry would just say something, anything, a word that showed him that he didn‘t want him anymore, that he didn‘t love him anymore, that Louis was not enough. But it never came. Never. He‘d always claim his love for Louis, but there were so many things that just didn‘t make sense anymore, and slowly, Louis didn‘t believe him anymore.

Sometimes he cried out, shouted, hit the walls in front of him before he broke and curled up in a ball on the floor. It was so frustrating, seeing Harry turning away from him and he knew, he just knew that he‘d been replaced.

 

_ Oh, oh _

 

So Louis started believing it.

He wasn‘t good enough for Harry, never was and never will be. Maybe he actually had been one day, had been the reason for the smile that Harry wore, the reason for his laughter, the source of his happiness. Now, he couldn‘t make him happy anymore. 

 

_ You and I, we have to let each other go _

 

The only things that made him happy where those, that Louis couldn‘t give him. 

Nick, for example.

Also, a lot of subjects that Harry loved but Louis knew nothing about. The thing was, Harry and Nick just had so much in common, even if Louis would try to participate at one of their conversations (which he did), he always failed. He knew nothing about the football clubs Harry and Nick were talking about, nothing about those strange boyband ships that made them so happy but Louis found weird. Nothing about all the running gags they had between the two of them, that were for nobody else‘s ears.

 

_ We keep holding on but we both know _

 

Whatever he tried, someone else could always make him happier than Louis could. He got Harry a flower on Valentine‘s Day, along with something else that he knew his boyfriend would love. It had been better than Louis expected, he smiled and laughed and they kissed a lot and it had been so, so good to Louis. 

But when Nick showed up and started talking about something that Louis knew nothing about, Harrys eyes suddenly lit up and he knew, he knew that no matter how big his attempts were, he could never make him as happy as he deserved to be. Never.

 

_ What seemed like a good idea‘s turned into a battlefield. _

 

And Louis was tired of fighting. He was so tired, but he couldn‘t stop it. He couldn‘t stop fighting for Harry, even if he failed every single time, he just couldn‘t. He was so in love with him it was ridiculous, and the thing was, Harry was supposed to love him back. They were in a relationship, but Louis felt nothing of that. It felt like the word had been written on a sheet of paper, lying in the dust where no one would see it. Everyone always exclaimed ‘but you two are together‘ and yeah they were, but if you don‘t do anything for it, if you never see each other, it doesn‘t exist in Louis‘ eyes. 

 

_ Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun _

So he waited, waited every single second for the words that would end the war, the words that assured him that Harry didn‘t want him anymore. He was so tired of this game, he‘d found himself so many times on the edge of just begging Harry to say them so he could finally give up and put down his gun, but it never happened. And Louis was too much of a lost person to do it himself, because he didn‘t want to lose him. There was always this little feeling inside of him, so small, but still there and keeping him from giving up on Harry, it was called hope.

Hope, that he maybe wanted him, loved him, needed him, like he always said. But he couldn‘t see it.

Harry couldn‘t end it and Louis couldn‘t too. None of them would put down their guns, even if Louis sometimes wished they would.

 

_ Be strong for both of us _

 

But Louis couldn‘t. He couldn‘t be strong if he had to see Harry with Nick and Gemma every day, the people that made him the happiest, while he himself couldn‘t do it. He couldn‘t make him happy and he couldn‘t stay strong either. He got weaker and weaker every day, and he was so sorry for it. Sorry that he couldn‘t hold on for both of them.

 

_ No please, don‘t run, don‘t run _

 

How many times had he told himself that this was not real, that the voices inside of his head were fucking with him, that Harry loved him and wanted him.

How many times had Nick told him all this.

Gemma never did. She barely talked to Louis anymore, and it killed him. Since Nick startet showing up, she‘d replaced Louis too. She never told Louis that Harry loved him. Only some people did.

And yes, maybe he should believe it because it wasn‘t like Nick was trying to get them to break up, he still supported them and even was the one to kick Harry in the ass to talk to Louis from time to time. 

 

_ Eye to eye we face our fears _

 

And yes, they had to talk. Like, a lot. There was so much to talk, so many things in Louis head that he wanted to say, ask, scream, cry, whisper to him, but he couldn‘t, because they didn‘t talk.

He‘d tried, tried to explain his feelings, and Harry had the same answer as always. He wasn‘t into Nick and he wasn‘t shutting him out either, Louis was his boyfriend and he loved him and he was just stressed lately.

Stressed lately.

Louis was fucking broke. He‘d tried to tell him a bit more of his feelings, once having poured out his whole heart to him and really, it went good until Harry had to go because of a urgent meeting. He promised him to continue the talk afterwards.

He never did.

 

_ Unarmed on the battlefield _

 

Louis had no weapons anymore, he was weak, worn out, tired and ready to give up, only that he didn‘t. He coped with his sadness in the nights, where nobody could see him, where nobody could see how broken he really was, where he was alone with his thoughts and voices and he could break down and nobody would see. 

The next day, he would continue with daily life and pretend like it was okay, pretend like it didn‘t bother him anymore, except it did. 

 

_ No blood will spill if we both get out _

 

After a year of being clean, Louis relapsed and cut. He had stopped it around the time when Harry came into his life, it wasn‘t necessarily him who made him stop, but he was certainly one of the people who made him smile the most. 

Now he was back to it and once he started it again, it was hard to stop it. In fact, it was impossible, and Louis hadn‘t. He couldn‘t stop, it‘s like you were a drug addict and after a year of no drugging, someone gives you a good shot of heroine and everything is back. He couldn‘t stop now, there were times when he really wanted to stop, crying and begging and screaming because he just didn‘t want to do it anymore, he really did, but he just couldn‘t. Harry didn‘t see any of this. Louis had never told him that he relapsed. Maybe if they spent more time toghether, Harry would have noticed it by himself.

 

_ Now, still it‘s hard to put the fire out _

 

He also never told him about the voices inside of his head. The voices that told him how much of a mess he was, how fucked up, how broken. Useless, worthless, disgusting, pathetic. How much of a waste.

Harry deserved so much better. Someone who didn‘t cut, didn‘t cry as much as Louis did, who wasn‘t mentally fucked up. Someone who had the same interests as him, who could make him happy, make him laugh. Someone who was as beautiful as Harry was, who had a normal clothing style, had a better character, someone pure. Someone like Nick.

 

_ What seemed like a good idea‘s turned into a battlefield. _

 

That‘s why Louis never understood why Harry still wanted him. Or at least, said that he wanted him. He never understood why he would still randomly smile at him, hold his hand or tweet him heart emojis. He could never understand why Harry would still waste so much energy on him, why he would even try to keep up the facade, why he would still tell Louis that he loved him even if Louis knew he didn‘t. He wasn‘t good enough, he wasn‘t Nick or Gemma, he was just the clingy depressed boyfriend that made more problems than happy moments. He just didn‘t understand why Harry hadn‘t broken up with him yet.

 

_ Feelings are shifting like the tide _

 

Sometimes Louis didn‘t even know what to feel anymore. He would sit in the bathroom, a blade in his hands, and try his hardest to figure out what to do, but he didn‘t know anything. It felt like they were stuck in a parade of fear, love and hurt, and no one could escape. The only thing he could feel was the blade against his thighs, the cold metal and the blood running down his flesh and suddenly, it was okay. For a second, it was okay.

 

_ And I think too much about the future _

 

The worst thing was, there was no way out. This whole thing seemed pretty much like a one-way street to him, and he just, he just couldn‘t figure a way out. The only one he knew was to end this, but. If Harry really loved him, it would leave him with a broken heart and Louis couldn‘t hurt his precious baby. He loved him too much to hurt him like this, although he knew that he already hurt him. 

Harry had told him so many times, that it hurt him when he was always so jealous about the Harry and Nick thing. That it hurt him when Louis was complaining over Nick, because.

What hurt Nick, hurt Harry too.

Like it used to be with Harry and Louis.

 

_ What seemed like a good idea‘s turned into a battlefield. _

 

There were days when it was okay. There were days Louis felt okay and happy and he and Harry would even spend some time, and it was good. 

It was just tiring him out. He didn‘t want to have to fight anymore for a love he thought he‘d already lost. He just didn‘t want to anymore.

 

_ We seemed like a good idea _

 

He remembered the days when happiness was a constant in his lifes, their both lives. It wasn‘t necessarily the time when they were together, more the times when they weren‘t. When they were able to talk to each other, laugh with each other, love each other. They fell in love and it seemed so perfect, like such a good idea to get together and become a couple. It seemed so easy.

 

_ What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield. _

 

And now Louis could see them, he could see those times in front of his inner eye. He saw himself laughing, smiling, he saw himself happy. He was smiling now, too.

The blade cut deeper in his wrist, the blood was spilling out and making a mess on the bathroom floor, but Louis couldn‘t bring himself to care. They were there, the times that are long forgotten to other people, but so prominant to Louis right now. Slowly, the world he was living in got more blurred, and the world he was dreaming got sharper. He could see again. He could breathe again. He was finally back. Back, where everything was bright. 

He let out his last breath before his eyes went still, the blade dropping to the floor without a sound. He was back.

 

_ We seemed like a good idea _

_ We seemed like a good idea. _

**Author's Note:**

> Its 3 am and I dont even know what I did here.


End file.
